Welcoming Feedback as a Gift: The Joys of Fresh Bear Poop and a Throne Room a Hike Away!

A friend and Client, Steve Smith, Plant Manager at CPNPP, said, “If you don’t welcome feedback as a gift, maybe that’s because you don’t get very much feedback. And maybe that’s because you choose to think of it as criticism and take it personally.”

I thought this was very perceptive of him to see it as a system, one piece influencing the other.  He went on to say, “We can’t grow as fast or as effectively without honest feedback.  So, even when it may be hard to hear, it’s really a gift.  Someone cares enough to help us know where and how we can do better or improve. 

Recently my husband, Larry and I went on vacation escaping from the 100+ degree days in Dallas to the cool mountain air of Colorado.  My son and I had rented a remote cabin at 11,000 feet just outside Telluride.  It was in a scenic area away from tourist in a high alpine meadow.  We thought we had the perfect answer for an extended family of eight, several of whom loved to backpack and cap in the remote wilderness and a few who preferred the comforts of a warm bed and kitchen rather than a bedroll, campfire, and tent. 

The cabin was a beautiful log cabin with pot belly stoves and great views.  But there was no electricity, only solar lights and an outhouse you had to hike to.  This meant that in the middle of the night if you got a biological urge, you had to either find a flashlight and wonder out where fresh bear poop had been spotted and hope to not bump into something hungry.  Or you could use a “Honey bucket” and empty it the next by logs --- for four hours of stirring a huge tub of mossy green spring water!  Well there was a great view and lots of wild flowers….and large mountain mosquitoes!

The first night it was dark as pitch at 8:30pm and I heard the familiar voice of my beloved provide some feedback which I didn’t receive as a gift.  “Ann, is this your idea of a bad joke?”  I confess that at that moment I was so focused on my intent, which was to find a creative solution to please each family member, that I heard his feedback not as a gift but as unfair criticism.  Then I began to reflect on the skills we teach in conflict resolution.  The first is Active Listening, which sounds like this.  “So, the accommodations here fall way short of your expectations and you are horrified about being stranded in such a primitive situation for five days.  Am I hearing you right?” 

I could sense him letting go of some of his anger as he realized that I understood how frustrated he was with me and the whole situation.  Next I worked to establish mutual goals.  “We both want quality time with our children and grandchildren, we want to relax and be in a situation where everyone has something to enjoy and we want to be good sports even in a less than perfect situation.  Would you agree?”  It took sleeping on it to get this far.  But by the next morning he had shifted from: “I’m out of here on Monday“, to considering staying the whole five days. 

The gift of his feedback was to help me realize that my assumptions of thinking I could judge what would please each person were seriously flawed.  And even though I thought I had shared all the information from on line, in truth I probably described it over dinner when he was not fully tuned in.  So maybe we both owned some of the problem yet I needed to stay focused on what I could take away as a valuable lessons learned.  And that is that I am challenged to welcome all feedback as a gift.  I still easily fall into my victim mode, choosing to feel unappreciated and hurt.  Attitude is a choice and I am the one who loses the most when I fall back into old, negative habits.  This awareness is a profound gift.  And only the courage to recognize my patterns and make better choices will transform my future.

A TRUE STORY OF PROBLEMS BECOMING OPPORTUNITIES: Stones into Schools

Several Saturdays ago, my husband, Larry, and I went to hear Greg Mortenson, the mountaineer who wrote Three Cups of Team and Stones in Schools.  Greg told his story of losing his way in the mountains and being rescued by his Sherpa and a remote village in the Himalayas.  And then promising to find a way to build a school for the girls of this remote village.

Over the past 16 years, Greg has learned of the healing power of female literacy.  "When you teach a boy, you educate an individual.  When you teach a girl, you educate a community."  Not only do girls go home and teach their mothers, they also go on to become teachers, doctors, attorneys, and engineers.

We learn that the population explosion is linked to female literacy.  As women are educated, infant mortality decreased significantly.  And as women can be confident that their children will live past age 5, they choose to have fewer children (from 7 or 8 to 2.3 per woman).

Not only can we address the complex problems of women dying in child birth, infant mortality and controlling world population.  Another fascinating link is to jihad and suicide bombers.  In the Muslim culture a son must get the blessing of his mother before doing jihad.  Rarely will and educated mother give her permission because she knows the Koran forbids murder and suicide.  It seems that the Taliban depends on illiteracy to control the minds of the people.  And as schools are being built in the most remote areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan, the Taliban is finding it more and more difficult to recruit followers.

This is an engaging story of servant leadership, working through trust, teamwork, and local leaders.  The village donates the land and the labor to build each school.  Central Asia Institute (CAI), the non-profit founded by Greg Mortenson, then funds the resources.

It is very encouraging to learn that Three Cups of Team, Mortenson's first book, is now required reading for all US military heading for Iraq or Afghanistan.  Learning and respecting the culture, earning trust, and working with local people has become the new strategy to establish a sustainable peace in this region.  "Drink one cup of team and we are strangers, two and we are friends, three and we are family."

Again and again, as the stories are told, each problem becomes a surprising opportunity.  Greg tells how a child in the elementary school where his mother was the principal, offered all in hi piggy bank to help the children in Afghanistan.  And from that, now 400+ schools now participate.  Pennies for Peace is a program to introduce children to the opportunity to become a philanthropist on behalf of others.

I strongly recommend these book as a fascinating way to learn about the history and complex cultures of this region as well as a very practical true story as t why servant leadership is such an effective form of leadership.  These books will inspire you, delight you, and fill your heart with hope that together we can replace war with lasting peace.

Liberating Myself from Toxic Thinking & Habits

I was reflecting on my gardening and how much joy it brings to me when I do it and when I walk in my garden or simply viewing it from afar. It nurtures my creative spirit. I want to do more.

I love to harvest vegetables and herbs to eat from our garden. And I love to cut flowers to enjoy inside at my desk or to give to others.

I noticed that my list making for the weekend is an HBDI thing. I enjoy gathering all the possibilities and then doing as many as I can. I have to be careful or I will set myself up to fail by assuming that I have to complete everything on the list. These are options, not “have to’s.” There is a very big difference!

The mental energy from a “have to” can be very oppressive and I can create an oppressive mindset that contaminates my joy. I have learned to simply notice and to liberate my spirit by remembering that everything is a “get to.” The only thing I have to do is die. Everything else is a choice, especially my attitude.

TRIPLE BOTTOM LINE

Leaders have a powerful opportunity to transform the results of their businesses and win a high new level of ownership and loyalty from Employees and Customers by replacing the traditional single bottom line accounting to a triple bottom line. A triple bottom line balances profitability, people (how Employees, Customers, vendors, supplies, and people in the community are treated) and planet (responsibility for the environment).

A pace-setting example of this is Southwest Airlines, a company who has long been known for being a great place to enjoy an inspiring career and team with highly motivated and supportive people. Warrior spirit, leading with a servant’s heart and fun-loving attitude define the spirit of Southwest. And in the last few years, they have added serious environmental stewardship to the list.

In the April, 2010, Spirit Magazine, Gary Kelly tells about new initiatives coming from their “Employee-led Green Team, which is striving to put a green filter on business decisions and improve our operations.” They are announcing their Green Plane which is part of their Next Generation initiative to encourage their industry to think green and support innovation to lower greenhouse gas emissions and fuel consumption by 6-15 percent. This new plane is testing new materials and design to decrease weight per seat, increase wear and reduce waste sent to landfills.

When companies begin to do this well, they get a bounce from a triple bottom line to a triple TOP line as Employees, Customers, vendors and people everywhere feel inspired to support doing the right for our natural environment. Thanks, SWA, for inspiring your industry to do the right thing and find environmentally friendly ways to provide air transportation. We are proud of own Southwest stock and be your loyal customers.
Note: Southwest has long had a tradition of capitalizing People, Employees and Customers as a way to show respect.

More information about SWA's green plane can be found  here.

Contagious Acts of Kindness: Servant Leadership at 7 AM

             Cynthia Watson, one of the executive leaders in our Virtual Servant Leadership Learning Community, shared a story of a morning recently when she was feeling very peaceful while in line at Starbucks when a person stepped in front of her. Not wanting to confront the person, she continued to enjoy her state of being at peace with the world.

            When it was her turn to order coffee, the barista told her that her order was already paid. Surprised by this, when Cynthia asked by whom, the barista told her by the person ahead of her.  He confessed that he had broken in line rushing to another appointment and she graciously said nothing. He wanted to thank her by paying for her order.

            She noted how contagious a simple act of kindness can be. This is another trait of service through personal genius. Hospitality, creativity, being at peace with the world, making space for others and affirming them and their needs are all opportunities to make a difference.

*FYI – Liberty Mutual runs the series of commercials where people help out one another.  Most of the commercials show someone observing people helping each other and then the observer helps someone else.  It is interesting because it isn’t a direct chain and emphasizes that one never knows where the ripples of one’s actions (positive or negative) will go.  So what will you choose to do today to plant the seed of compassion, empathy and nurturing the best in those around you.  This certainly seems to validate the quote from Mahatma Gandhi, “We must be the change we want to see in the world.”

Sustaining Voice from Maui on a Long, Lonely Drive through a Snow Storm

Yesterday in our Virtual Servant Leadership Learning Community (VSLLC) call we were focusing on discovering and growing personal genius. There were two stories that caught my attention.

John Lochner told of being in Maui in December, enjoying time with his wife, when he got a call that a very special close friend had died unexpectedly. Then he learned that the friend’s son was driving four hours through a snow storm to get back to support his mother and help with funeral arrangements. What a long, lonely drive!

So John called the son and was with him by phone for most of the trip. When the son was approaching his home he said to John, “You have been a special friend in my father’s life. I’ve heard him speak of you many times. Would you now be my friend?”

What a gift for John to be invited to extend the special relationship he had enjoyed with his friend by now growing close to his friend’s son. Most of us can remember a time especially around a death when we feel so helpless. We want to support yet can’t find the words and are just not sure what to do or how to express our deep feelings of sadness and loss. What touched me so deeply about this story was the creative way John reached out to “be there” for the son. By checking in by phone several times on this long and lonely trip, John was able to connect at a deep level with a young man facing a major life transition. And I know John to be an extraordinary friend and servant leader.

Our work on this call was to explore our personal genius at a deeper level. Just what are those special gifts and what do they ask of us? As each person told their story the rest of us could see so clearly not only the gifts in the story but how they exemplified so much about the story teller. Often the story teller would say something like, “but it was only what any caring person would do.” Our special gifts may seem ordinary to us but when they emerge we experience something extraordinary. Having the courage to live into this special gift is how we can each give back to others.

NOTE: John Lochner is a successful entrepreneur who now is creatively putting together a cluster of businesses which will have in common a culture of servant leadership. His goal is to bring together a learning community of businesses so they can thrive on not only the vigor of internal trust generated by servant leadership (growing, inspiring and appreciating Employees so they can own and grow the business), but also create a synergistic community with leaders supporting leaders.

Lessons Learned from My Frequent Practice of Plus/Delta (Part 2)

At the end of all my coaching calls and personal interviews I make it a practice to invite feedback. As I’ve already noted in the previous blog, this practice is most valuable and how I keep growing as a professional...Here are some of the amazing things I have learned that I would have walked right past without this consistent feedback coming from many very different gifted professional leaders.

1. The single most frequent feedback I receive when I request candid feedback on my coaching is that others benefit from the way I listen with both my heart and my mind. (deep, respectful listening) Since 1990 I have been practicing what is called Active Listening. This means to rephrase what you hear mirroring back both fact and feelings to see how accurately you understand the person’s true meaning. So often I am told that I am articulating the speaker’s meaning better than they were able and this has helped them to hear themselves. And other times I learn that I am missing their point and they take another crack at communicating their message.

2. The second most named benefit is to be a safe listener. “Providing a safe place to sort through my feelings and concerns without advice or judgment is very important and helpful.” I have learned never to offer advice. It is far more valuable to learn to ask open ended questions so the person can discover their own answers. I may suggest options but always in the spirit of reminding the person that they will know what is best and to listen first to their intuition. If your intuition responds confidently, then consider the idea. If one’s intuition balks, honor intuition and don’t pursue the idea.

3. The third is helping a person hear, honor and trust their own inner voice and intuition. I can typically help the person hear their own wisdom and sense of which direction to go or not go. If I can help them learn to trust and listen to their own inner wisdom, it will always be there for them and only grow stronger. If I play expert, I encourage dependence on the expert and cripple the person I am seeking to support.

4. The fourth has helped me recognize my gifts as a vulnerable story teller. I often share a personal story, not as an answer but rather as a way of encouraging permission to recognize and forgive the kinds of flaws we all have. To forgive ourselves and others and see mistakes and tragedy as a teacher and opportunity. I seem to do this best by revealing the many really painful, often tragic dimensions of my own life. At this point I realize that every loss has been a valuable teacher and gift in ways I couldn’t discover without first letting go of my anger and victim response. But once I did, I began to see that every loss prepared me for something greater.

There was a time when I was a bit anxious as I waited, fearful of what I might hear. Now I eagerly anticipate whatever is offered. There is no way it can’t be a gift. Worst case scenario I hear that I did badly and have lost trust with my Client. But wouldn’t I rather know this early when I can ask clarifying questions and apologize? I can remember at least one occasion when asking for feedback saved the relationship. I hadn’t realized the poor timing of the call and a heart breaking tragedy that had just been experienced. By asking, I learned that the unthinkable had happened. And I could not only be a safe, empathetic listener but this reaching out on my part earned the trust of a friend and Client for life!